Just when I thought it had finally gotten cold outside, this morning arrives. When I left the house for work, it was so warm I nearly turned around to swap my coat for a jacket. Then, I decided that this was likely one of those days where it's warm in the morning, but frigid by dinner, and decided to just tough it out. But the coldness I'd been enjoying (because I freakishly love hats and scarves and twelve layers of clothing) was not really present this morning. Ugh.

And further rollercoaster weather is definitely not so good for me - my sinuses have once more revolted and decided they need to torture me - worse than the last time, actually. Now I'm working the gross snot-nose action, plus I'm working on some tasty lung congestion, plus I've list my voice! Good times all around. Stupid fucking weather.

I want the cold back again. It suits my mood these days.

I've chased mirages now for most my life
I've found the shades of gray in black and white
I've laughed and danced out in the pouring rain
I've run from sunshine when it caused me pain

I've been wandering
I've been waiting
I've been wishing

Sometimes I wonder if I move too fast
If all these roads might take me home at last
Sometimes I worry that it's been too long
Since I was ready to be moving on

I've been searching
I've been singing
I've been standing still

I know there's an answer if I can find the right question
I'd take the test if I could figure out the lesson
There must be a reason for the way I'm driven
There must be a purpose for this life I'm living

People tell me that I think too much
That I'm too serious, that I'm out of touch
This restless wind keeps me up every night
Counting reasons I still fight this fight

I've been aimless
I've been aching
I've been all too complacent

I've been busy lately. I've been playing the coffee shop and the nursing home, plus the day job. I went to Earth Conclave in mid-October, which I greatly enjoyed (is it because I got to use my whole "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" as sacred chant gag...maybe). An old roomie came through town and stayed with me, which came at a really bad time, but was otherwise lovely. I've got some private gigs coming up, which is a nice addition to the usual routine. I decided to do NaNoWriMo, which I'm enjoying amidst the chaos. I also decided to skip going to next year's Winter Witchcamp and instead take myself to England for my 30th birthday. All exciting stuff. None of it really distracts me from the thing that's on my mind constantly these days.

My grandfather is dying.

It's a strong statement to make, and I'd wager that various members of my family will argue with me about it. He was in a car accident about a month ago, and had all kinds of trauma to his body, including a stroke and a brain bleed. For awhile, they had him sedated and on painkillers, and the prognosis was good...but it steadily turned the other way as time passed. He had to be on a ventilator for awhile. He's on a feeding tube. Depending on who you talk to, he's either talking just fine, or babbling incoherently, or totally nonresponsive. He's been moved to a long term care facility, and my gut tells me that it's unlikely he'll come out of it. The likely thing is that he'll suffer more strokes and deteriorate eventually. It's really just a matter of time.

My heart hurts with the conflicting emotions this whole situation is bringing up for me. On the one hand, I don't want him to suffer - I think it's debatable whether or not he actually is, since his level of consciousness is uncertain. By the same token, I am not eager for his death, and part of me wants to hope that, with time, he could recover some level of normal life.

Life never could be simple.

Any supportive thoughts you can spare for my family are greatly appreciated.

why are you so busy
with this or that or good or bad
pay attention to how things blend

why talk about all
the known and the unknown
see how the unknown merges into the known

why think seperately
of this life and the next
when one is born from the last


- Rumi

I lost my voice Saturday. I hate losing my voice. It's kind of a big part of who I am and how I work, between the music and my need to be loud and obnoxious. I couldn't really practice, although I did get the guitar out and work on some of the stuff I'm planning to record for the holidays; there are a couple tunes with kind of tricky bits on the guitar (tricky for me anyway). Because of my voicelessness, I've had to give up tonight's nursing home gig. I've had to try to avoid phone calls. I've had to painfully explain in a ridiculous stage whisper that now isn't the best day to talk to me. It's sad. I hate it. I want my voice back, dammit!!

NaNoWriMo is slow going at the moment. I want to be writing, but my mind has been otherwise occupied - and somehow, without my voice, I just don't have anything to say. it's not like I dictate what I'm writing out loud or anything, but it just doesn't flow for some reason. Ugh. I think this weekend will have some intensive writing action going on.

Some really cool things? In a random awesome moment, I was gifted today with a bottle of some super-tasty tequila. Also, check out DJ Earworm, a mashup genius who's in my playlist a lot. He's got new stuff that is just brilliant - Louis Armstrong's "La Vie En Rose" rocked up and a freakin' fabulous combo of "Promiscuous" with Sarah Vaughan's "Whatever Lola Wants." Tasty.

Recent entries...
27 December 2007: 2007: Finis.
17 December 2007: A ruse, a rant, and a poem. It's short.
11 December 2007: Music & falling....story of my life.
08 December 2007: Briefly...ish.
29 November 2007: A poem, a rant, a lesson.