Right now, I'm co-teaching a core Reclaiming class (the Iron Pentacle) in my spiritual community. It's an interesting class that looks at five particular facets of life that mainstream culture perverts or denies people: sex, pride, self, passion, and power. Connecting to Iron, as prep work for teaching the class, has really brought home exactly how much these values have been denigrated. It's really brought home for me my own personal experiences of being denied these tools, these essential human qualities. I just think of how long it took me and how hard I had to work to come to terms with sex/creativity, to build up my willingness to know my own boundaries there and to take risks to explore all aspects of my sexuality and my own creative powers, to embrace being a living being capable of sharing and expressing that life force. I think of all the times people in my life have called me arrogant, how often I've heard, "You just think you're so smart" or "hot shit" or "too good for everyone else" or blah blah blah - when the truth is that I know my capabilities and I know my qualities, and I think it's stupid to pretend otherwise. I think of how often I have to catch myself allowing others' goals and choices shift my life and my priorities, and remember who I am and what my purposes are, and bring myself back to that central focus....because I can only live properly through my own purposes and no one else's. I think about how many long years I denied myself the full spectrum of experiences available to me - the full passion of life with all its ups and downs....how long I suppressed all that, pretended it didn't exist, stopped myself from feeling it so I couldn't be hurt, so I didn't have to suffer; and how liberating it is to give myself access to every aspect of what I am capable of experiencing, for good or ill. I think of what an amazing gift it is to know that I have the ability to shift everythign in my life at any moment - that I can change it all, turn my world upside down, in an instant - and no one else can do that to me, and I can do that for no one else.
It's been interesting to me to look at all of this, and try to find my center in that maelstrom. I have been trying to pull from my experiences the things that have empowered and enlightened me, in the hopes that someone else might be able to use that on their own journey. It's also interesting to see where I still have work to do. Le sigh. It never ends.
My travails as a single chick staring down the barrel of 30 sometimes bring me to that shamefaced and somewhat humiliating necessity of post-millenium life: the online personals ad. I've done them before, and then been sickened by the "results" and sworn off them entirely. And then months pass, and the crushing loneliness of living alone in a city of millions where almost everyone I know is coupled up like they're bound for an ark...and I break down and dive into the sludge-pit of desperacy once again. That's the part of the cycle I'm living in right now.
This round has brought me some interesting information: there are a lot of crazy men out there.
Let's start with the "assistant U.S. attorney" or whatever he was that was basically looking for a prostitute he could pay to be his secret mistress. When he used the word "discrete" three times in his initial reponse (not to mention starting off by saying "not to be arrogant, but I know that I'm exactly what you're looking for"), I copped to the wirdness and told him I took that to mean he was currently attached, and I wasn't interested in getting involved with a married man. He came back and explained that he was separated and had a job in the public eye, so he wanted something very quiet and discrete, and he was prepared to be "very generous." I explained that I wasn't interested in generous, nor in sneaking around. He came back with a physical description and told me I "would not be disappointed." I explained to him that I was taller than he was and just not interested in his offer - thanks and good luck. His final response was some shot about how he assumed from my response that I was fatter, too.
Then, there's the dude who - after a couple days of e-mailing - is telling me how he is so hot for me, how he wont' be able to keep his hands off me, and doesn't that make me hot to know how sexy he thinks I am. I keep bringing up how strange I find it that he's so worked up over someone he's never met - I literally bring this up again and again over the course of our conversations, trying to get this dude to bring it down a notch and be reasonable. I feel like my lack of matching his enthusiasm is really bothering him, but I'm really open about my not being where he is. We talk on the phone, we plan to meet up over the weekend. Granted, he's shorter than I usually go for, and keeps telling me how he wants me to feel sexy and special, "like a princess," which is....well, not my thing (and I explain this to him). But I figure I'll at least meet him and see if there's a spark. We didn't finalize arrangements, and the day we're supposed to meet - when I haven't heard from him in the intervening time - I get an e-mail saying nothing but "I guess no go for coffee today." We have an IM spat that starts with me asking him why he's making assumptions, moves into him calling me silly, and ends when i say I'm not interested and good luck...and he comes back with "you're fat and can't sing very well, so good luck finding a man to take care of ya."
So, I find both of these experiences hilarious on many levels. First, that both of these guys felt it necessary to take what I think they thought was a hurtful shot at a total stranger only outlines to me what a good call it was to avoid them both....and illustrates that there are some serious issues both of them have yet to tackle. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not fun to have someone tell you they're not interested, but honestly...what does it matter when the only connection between you is electronic words? Two hours or two days of kicking e-mails or instant messages back and forth - even a single phone call - how does this compose a bond solid enough to justify such a reaction to something so straightforward and simple? It seems a little crazy to me. And the fact that both of them tried for the "you're fat" insult just cracks my shit up. Uh, duh....you're breaking my heart, asshole, telling me something I already know and am at peace with. Puh-lease. I mean, I'm being graceful - "it's not working out and I truly hope you find what you're looking for" is my typical rejection. And I actually mean it, too. And these dudes come back with venom. To someone they've never even met! It's just sad.
Beyond that, I just have to laugh. So many men answer ads by trying to tell me what I want ("to be treated like a lady" "to be loved for who you are" "to have your feelings treasured" "to have someone make you laugh and fill up your heart" blah blah blah)...which is disgusting to me. It's insulting. I know what I want, and I don't need someone else to tell me. In fact, I'm pretty darn good at communicating what I want, not to mention getting it my damn self. I just don't understand why dudes seem to want some chick with an empty head they can fill up themselves - that seems so boring to me! Moreover, every ad I put up basically lays out that I think for myself, that I know what I want, that I do not have confidence issues or "need" someone to "complete" me....so why do guys think I'm going to enjoy being told what I feel, what I think, or what I want? MORONS!!
Sometimes I wonder if I'm such a freak that I will never find a dude who can captivate me as much as I do him. Or if that fear stems from such ridiculous arrogance that it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or if I just need to be patient. Or if I just need to switch teams and try a girl.
Le sigh. I don't like girls that way.
"I wonder
from these thousands of selfs,
which one am I?
Listen to my cry, do not drown my voice -
I am completely filled with the thought of you.
Don't lay broken glass on my path;
I will crush it into dust.
I am nothing, just a mirror in the palm of your hand,
reflecting your kindness, your sadness, your anger.
If you were a blade of grass or a tiny flower
I will pitch my tent in your shadow.
Only your presence revives my withered heart.
You are the candle that lights the whole world
and I am an empty vessel for your light."
- Rumi
I have a headache. It has not been touched by caffeine. I don't want to take painkillers.
That is all.
Today's playlist:
Bach's Goldberg Variations. Mmmm, tasty.
Recent entries...
27 December 2007: 2007: Finis.
17 December 2007: A ruse, a rant, and a poem. It's short.
11 December 2007: Music & falling....story of my life.
08 December 2007: Briefly...ish.
29 November 2007: A poem, a rant, a lesson.