Make it a good one, dumbass.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and death, matter and energy, perception and reality. For some reason, a Woody Allen quote has been running through my head a lot: "What if everything is an illusion, and nothing exists? In that case, I overpaid for my carpet."

That Time magazine special report on the brain from a few weeks ago has really been pushing my ideas about consciousness and spirituality, since what seemed to me to be the overwhelming conclusion was that consciousness is merely a side effect of the way the brain organizes information. The articles pretty much explained near death experiences, meditative states, and what's going on in the brain in the midst of a "spiritual" experience. Looking at it that way, considering that the brain may, in fact, be hardwired to create the impression of consciousness and that the ecstatic nature of spiritual practice comes from right inside the brain...not to mention seeing the way visioning and doing often have the same effect on the brain....it all makes it very hard to reasonably argue against the lack of existence of a "higher power" of any kind - especially not the kind followed by the majority of peoples in the world.

Beyond which, from a purely logical standpoint, humanity has a history of creating mythology to explain the unexplainable. Lightning bolts were Zeus or Thor, every season had a goddess, every storm a being calling the shots. Now, we know the science behind electricity and wind and water, and we understand these factors without the need for myth. There are plenty of things we don't understand, though - famine, hatred, terror, the wonders of the universe - and we use the same human tool of creating myth to explain it, whatever myth we might choose to create. I think the truth is that someday, our religious practices now will seem just as silly as the Greeks' do to us. I think science will explain so many unknowns (not that I necessarily think we'll run out of them ever), that it will be impossible to maintain belief in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

And going through this thought process also helped me really synthesize what my beliefs are. I mean, at the end of the day, I believe that everyone and everything in the universe is composed of the same stuff - energy made manifest through electrons and protons and quarks and all that. Realistically speaking, the keyboard I'm typing on and the electrons that carry the information through this computer, and the hands I'm using to type....they can all be boiled down to the same basic building blocks, assembled in very different ways. Accepting that as true reinforces something I've believed for most of my life - that everything is sacred, everything is a manifestation of the divine, everything is connected on a really simple and basic level. I don't feel like there's anything particularly woo-woo about this - just a recognition of physical reality. Atoms are atoms are atoms, and all the universe ever does is trade atoms from here to there, shaping them in new and different ways. Is there an afterlife, an existence beyond the flesh? In a way, I think so....the atoms of this body, the electrons that move around my brain and tell me who I am, what I think, how I feel - they will recycle into the universe and become parts of other things. Maybe they'll be another person, maybe they'll feed the earth, maybe some of them will get caught in a space current, sucked into a sun, convert to energy, and travel around space carrying light from one place to another. I dunno.

I guess my point is that science and spirituality are connected, for me. It's not a perfect match, but I think that's only because there's still a lot science has to learn. Well, and spirituality, too.

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you borrowed
From the only place that you've known?
And why'd you sing "hallelujah"
If it means nothing to you?
Why'd you sing with me at all?

- "Delicate," Damien Rice

I've been looking at my instant messenger buddy list recently. It's chock full of ex-boyfriends, old roomies, flings, and various others I don't really keep in touch with anymore. I don't necessarily want to keep those connections....and yet, there they are, popping up on my screen. It's tempting, sometimes, to shoot them a message and strike up a conversation. I wonder about some of them sometimes. I wonder if they run across my name and get curious, too. Or am I the only one who lets go without totally letting go?

Le sigh. Part of me wants to do the smart thing and just delete them, just cut that final, totally lame and meaningless tie. I'm not sure why I resist it so long. I'm not sure why it matters, but clearly it does or I'd have cleaned house long ago. Maybe I'm afraid that losing that last little thing will irrevocably remove them from my life, remove any potential to revive whatever relationship we had. Maybe I'm afraid that cutting them out with such finality will somehow soften my ability to remember them clearly - maybe I'll forget the good stuff - or worse, the bad stuff (more likely in my case....I am not good at holding a grudge).

Do other people agonize over superficial and ridiculous non-decisions like this? Also, how can it be relatively easy to cut the actual person out of my life...but not their freakin' handle?

Valentine's Day. What a lame holiday. It's a conspiracy between the greeting card, floral, chocolate, jewelry, diet, and alcohol industries. It reinforces the cultural myth that people can't be happy outside a romantic pairing - which is total crap. It also feeds outdated gender roles - that women should be coddled, adored, offered gifts and sweets and lovey-dovey bullshit - and that men should be expected to go out of their way in some great romantic gesture, or they don't *really* love their partners. And if you're single, it drives you to drink just to numb yourself from all the couple-happy chaos of hearts-and-flowers everywhere you turn.

Don't get me wrong...romance is a wonderful thing. Sweets and flowers, grand gestures, poetry and adoration are not bad things - they're wonderful and beautiful. My objection is not to the offerings themselves, but more the way this "holiday" encourages people to limit this kind of thing just to the one day, and that it's primarily geared towards hetero couples, where the man is expected to bend over backwards, and the chick is expected to put on something sexy and put out in return.

Here's what I say: every day should be an opportunity to show your love for the people in your life, through gestures both grand and small. Every day should be a chance to offer a partner delight, in any and every way. Every day should be a chance to remind yourself how mad and passionate and awesome love is. Every day should be a chance for every one, regardless of gender, to do something sweet or poetic or dramatic for someone they love, regardless of gender. Women, love your husbands or wives or girlfriends or boyfriends or friends. Men, love your husbands or wives or girlfriends or boyfriends or friends. Everybody else, love everybody you love, every day. Reject limits and marketing ploys. Don't let your love be determined by any corporate bottom line.

I'll be stepping off the cheese-head soapbox now.

Today's playlist:

"Desire" - Ryan Adams
"The Blower's Daughter" - Damien Rice
"Just What I Needed" - The Cars
"Much Farther to Go" - Rosie Thomas
"Lover's Cross" - Jim Croce
"Love is Real" - Jason Mraz
"Miss You Till I Meet You" - Dar Williams
"Stupid Girls" - P!nk
"Time Makes Two" - Robert Cray
"Heaven Knows" - Squeeze
"Hackensack" - Fountains of Wayne
"Running on Faith" - Eric Clapton
"Pride Goes Before a Fall" - Dan Bern


Recent entries...
27 December 2007: 2007: Finis.
17 December 2007: A ruse, a rant, and a poem. It's short.
11 December 2007: Music & falling....story of my life.
08 December 2007: Briefly...ish.
29 November 2007: A poem, a rant, a lesson.