"Huh," I thought to myself. "I sure feel like I've slept longer than an hour and a half....and it's a lot brighter than 11...did I leave the light on?" About which time, I recognize that it's 11 a.m. and I have missed half a day of work.

As you can imagine, panic ensues.

On the way to the office, nothing went right. The train I was riding downtown broke down and went out of service, adding twenty minutes to my commute. I went to get coffee and dropped my wallet, spilling all of my IDs and cash all over the Starbucks floor. Most annoyingly, my hair is poofy - and the longer it gets, the more poofy it gets. I don't remember having a poof problem last time I grew it out. Murphy and all his laws are dogging me today.

And, here I am, 6:30, just wrapping things up at the office, so I can head home and start in on my long list of stuff to get done there. I have a mix-down to finish, more recording to wrap up, holiday tunes to rehearse for the office party, and travel plans to finalize. Life doesn't stop for the holidays. Dammit.

If you haven't checked out The Bastard Fairies, I recommend them. You can download their whole album for free. Their music is....unusual and fascinating and brilliant and honest and brazel and revolutionary. It's not for everyone, but I dig it. If nothing else, you owe it to yourself to enjoy their freakin' brilliant and hilarious infomercial.

I'm going home for Christmas.

I stayed in Chicago for Thanksgiving. I'm currently on the outs with my sister, and I honestly didn't trust either of us not to make a huge scene and big drama...so I avoided and didn't go home. I'm still a little worried about it now, but I'm not willing to miss Christmas. I've been thinking long and hard about what to get for her...I want to show her how much I love her and care about her, regardless of whatever momentary conflict in engulfing our relationship. I haven't spoken to her in weeks and weeks, and it's breaking my heart. I miss her so much. But I'm also still furious and the anger that has fueled the distance between us hasn't diminished at all.

A dear friend in Georgia, whose basement has been playing home to numerous boxes of my crap since I moved to Chicago, took the initiative and shipped several of said boxes to me last week. It dropped my jaw - books, CDs, shoes, trinkets, Rennie gear I hadn't seen in nearly six years was back. Included were stacks of photographs...so many of them of me and my sister. It was a bittersweet reminder of our bond - how, for our entire lives, we have been so close. She was my best friend, the person I trusted most in the world, and I feel like that trust has been broken...but I don't know how to reconcile her actions with the person I understood her to be...and I'm so hurt by what she's done recently. How can I convey all of this with a holiday gift she'll actually use and appreciate?

Even more than that...what is she feeling about this situation? She hasn't tried to contact me at all. I tried calling her a few times when I heard from our parents that she'd broken her collarbone in a car accident. She moved out of our mom's house shortly after our fight. She's working a new job, got a new apartment, dealing with broken bones...I called, but apparently because of her new job, she never uses her own cell phone, and so she wasn't taking calls. The last communication I got from her was a furious - not to mention hurtful - e-mail.

I care what she thinks and feels, but I am still so embroiled in my own anger, that it's hard to be objective. I feel absolutely justified and just plain right, and I don't think that's going to change....but I know her. I'm sure she has plenty of justifications and explanations and whatever else she needs to make me wrong; I also don't think she would hesitate to try to manipulate me into apologizing to her....but I'm not sorry. Well, I'm sorry that we're in conflict and that I'm not able to support her as she's dealing with some ridiculously difficult circumstances. But I am not sorry for my words or actions.

Does it sound like I'm trying to convince myself?

A fire has risen above my tombstone hat.
I don't want learning, or dignity,
or respectability.

I want this music and this dawn
and the warmth of your cheek against mine.

The grief-armies assemble,
but I'm not going with them.

This is how it always is
when I finish a poem.

A great silence comes over me,
and I wonder why I ever thought
to use language.
 
- Rumi

Today's playlist:

"Song for a Winter's Night" - Sarah McLachlan
"River" - James Taylor covering Joni Mitchell
"This Grudge" - Alanis Morissette
"Spotlight on Christmas" - Rufus Wainwright
"Good Enough" - Sarah McLachlan
"Maybe This Christmas" - Ron Sexsmith
"Winter" - Tori Amos
"Christmas is All Around" - Love Actually Soundtrack
"If" - Bread
"Old Love" - John Mayer covering Eric Clapton
"Last Christmas" - Savage Garden covering Wham!
"Happy Christmas (War is Over)" - Melissa Etheridge covering John Lennon
"You Can Close Your Eyes" - James Taylor
"Heart of Life" - John Mayer
"So-Called Chaos" - Alanis Morissette


Recent entries...
27 December 2007: 2007: Finis.
17 December 2007: A ruse, a rant, and a poem. It's short.
11 December 2007: Music & falling....story of my life.
08 December 2007: Briefly...ish.
29 November 2007: A poem, a rant, a lesson.