I haven't thought about it muvh, but on my birthda, I shifte from a Lovers year into a Chariot year....which could explain why suddenly I've lit a fire under my ass to get a bunch of stuff done, to *do* something. The fact that I'm also a year away fom my Saturn return (not to mention that Saturn is currently sitting smack in my Ascendant) is giving it an extra oomph, though - not only do I want to *do* something, I want to do something that matters. It's good....but frustrating. I'm confronting the realiztion that I'm not sure how one goes about doing something that matters, and I'm recognizing how difficult it is to do something that matters while working a day job and bearing the particular set of talents and gifts with which I personally com equipped.

It's tricky territory. I want to write protest songs; every one I try sounds contrived and cheesy. I think about running off to join the Peace Corps, or help build houses in New Orleans or something like that...and recognize that I have two cats that I wouldn't be able to take with me, and can't (and wouldn't want to) just abandon. I try to do what I can to make my own life more meaningful, less harmful to the world; I look at all the "little" things I'm trying to change in my life to make a difference; I try to share my views as often as I can, to encourage more people to look at the way they're living....all these actions seem small to me, though. Small and ineffectual, and that's how I feel right now.

Last night, I went back and read diary entries from this date last year, the year before, the year before. (Some of yo may be familiar with my love of doing this to get perspective on the arc of my life.)

Last year this time, I was gearing up for my first witchcamp, recognizing the bullshit inherent in a number of my "close" personal relationships. It's amazing to me how much some of those relationships have since evolved since. Some have disappeared entirely, for which I'm - frankly - grateful. Others have flowered in ways I never expected and feel truly blessed to experience.

The year before that, I was barely recovering from the broken tailbone (I can't believe it's been over two years...shocking!). I was back to work, but still dealing with the daily pains in the ass (literal and figurative) that cam with that injury. Interestingly, the tailbone itself bothers me only occasionally these days; when it does, though....yikes. I recognize now that I should've done some sort of physical therapy during my recovery...I'm only recognizing now how much that would've made it easier for me to reduce the impact of the injury on my overall physical condition. As it stands now, I have finally starte trying to recondition my aging, way-out-of-shape body....and it is not happy about it one little tiny bit. But if I don't do it now, it will only get harder. So, yeah. Good times.

Three years ago, I was *gasp, gasp, vomit, vomit* delusionally in love. That didn't so much work out, and now the dude is married to the girl he dumped me for, and I'm embracing the painful bliss of singledom in true Bridget Jones form (i.e., with lots of booze and strategies and as much adventure - and as litle angst - as I can conjure). I'm doing the on-line dating thing, and trying with all my might not to be so darn judgmental and picky....which sometimes works, and sometimes not so much. In reading those old entries, full of uncertain insecurity and unmitigated insanity, I was reminded how idealistic I can be, and how much of closet romantic. I both love and hate that. C'est la vie.

The year before that, I was moving out of an insane living situation, into a better one. I was facing down a crazy landlady, and signing a lease with a new one that turned out to be crazy, too....but you never learn those kinds of things until halfway through your lease. It was a cool apartment, though, and I enjoyed living there - awesome kitchen - all modern and black and compact. Very bachelorish. My kitchen now longs for someone who loves to cook and entertain. I sometimes enjoy both, but am adept at neither.

I like these little trips down memory lane. They remind me that nothing ever stays the same. Life is like Chicago weather - don't like it right now? Just wait.

Recent entries...
27 December 2007: 2007: Finis.
17 December 2007: A ruse, a rant, and a poem. It's short.
11 December 2007: Music & falling....story of my life.
08 December 2007: Briefly...ish.
29 November 2007: A poem, a rant, a lesson.