Around age 30 or so, Saturn (the planet of responsibility, karma, right v. wrong, etc.) comes back around the natal chart to the same place it hung at birth. This is called (with much foreboding and generally a squinch-faced "ooooh") the Saturn Return. For most people, it's one of those times in life when the universe takes off the gloves and throttles you until you get it right.
In my chart, Saturn is a pretty heavy hitter, conjunct Mars (the planet of action and energy) in my first house (which is tied to the way I view my own identity). Right now, Saturn is creeping closer and closer to the Return, leaving my twelfth house and sitting on top of my Ascendant...in layman's terms: YUCK.
I had thought that because I do have such a strong Saturn, it wouldn't be so hard on me. I mean, I try to make good decisions, and even when I make a bad choice, I really try to always take the consequences and balance the scales....so why would Saturn have any hammers to bring down on my head?
As it happens, though, it's looking like Saturn's getting ready to hand me my ass.
I'm a guarded person. I have trust issues. And let's be frank, I have plenty of reasons to have trust issus (aside from humanity's general lack of trustworthiness). I haven't had a lot of safety in my life, physically or otherwise. So, yeah, without getting overdramatic, my point is that there were very few people in my life that I trusted implicitly. And now, even those safe places don't feel safe anymore...and I am shaken.
I'm afraid to trust and be hurt and betrayed. I'm afraid not to trust, and risk the hard work of the past few years, learning to open up and find the strength in vulnerability. I'm just plain scared, and I don't know how to fix this. There isn't a solution I can see, and I'm trying not to give up and bolt...'cause it sure would be easy to run away right now. Boston is looking reeeaaal good.
I remind myself every morning, like a mantra: the music is good, the spirituality is good, the people are good. It's worth staying for.
Recent entries...
27 December 2007: 2007: Finis.
17 December 2007: A ruse, a rant, and a poem. It's short.
11 December 2007: Music & falling....story of my life.
08 December 2007: Briefly...ish.
29 November 2007: A poem, a rant, a lesson.